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Ways To Have a Cold

  • Make sure your flight is delayed 2 hours
  • Arrive home at 3:30 a.m.
  • Sleep until noon
  • Wake up to emails because you promised things that you now can’t deliver BECAUSE YOU ARE SICK AND THAT’S A REASON
  • Drink coffee and hate it
  • Make some pasta that is normally your comfort food and hate it (also burn the sauce)
  • Retire to the bedroom with 2 liters of San Pelligrino, drinking directly from the bottle
  • Watch back-to-back episodes of Sarah Millican’s Television Programme
  • Come up with a zillion dirty jokes that you can’t share with anyone
  • Realize you’re still wearing Conference Pearls, with your pajamas
  • Rewrite your internal narrative so that you’re convalescing glamorously
  • Even though there’s a roll of toilet paper in your bed because you’re out of tissues
  • Which means your face will be made of dragon scales once this cold is over

That’s basically it. I have given up completely. I shall drape myself in precious gems and self-pity and do nothing but drink fluids until this madness has passed. Fortunately, Jessica Fish is still working through a Vacation Pellet and doesn’t need me.

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